“Something of nothing” i.e. the art of establishing relationships

Fotolia_71014291_S(1)From this article you will learn:

– What can you say to others to they start to like you

This is a training about “selling techniques”. In the middle of the room is the coach, who starts with the words, “I’m not really a salesman and I never sold products, because I’m not the best but as a psychologist I think I can tell good things.” The sellers at one time can see a theoretician, who doesn’t like selling. It’s a childish mistake, which is the price of authority in the eyes of listeners and contrary to appearances it’s quite often encountered.

And unfortunately I have to start likewise. Although I am aware of how it works, I want to be faithful to the truth – I am not a master in establishing relationships. And, by the way, I’m not a master at all and I was even sad because of this, but I read that in your life you should be about 3% better man in the mass of middle-class people, so that is to be on the edge of those people and closer to these masters and it would be enough to achieve successes. And coming back to the article, it will be about how to establish relationships.

There is a known method of being effective in what we are not effective and I used this method and it gives me the power to deal with the issue that is questioned. This is a method of “modeling”. It is based on the fact that if you want to be effective, for example, in sales and today you are weak then you are looking for someone who is good and you observe him by doing whatever he is doing differently from you. So, for example, we can suppose that you are a salesman and you have an excellent seller next to you. The customer enters the store and he logs off from “facebook” on the laptop, and you act in the same way and so you do not record it, but he smiles and you do not do this, so you record it. The model seller took a plastic ball device from the drawer, he turned on the chair, and used it under the armpits. You do not know what is it, so you record it and then you will check it. Perhaps the discovery of antiperspirant will be the factor that will speed your career. Everything that this model seller does differently can be the factor that makes it better. We use unconscious modeling when we start work and, for example, we want to quickly find ourselves in a new industry, then we usually watch older people and imitate them in part.

It is not stupid because it is in line with the principle that in order to achieve new results you must do new things. As Einstein used to say, “Crazy is doing the same thing all the time and expecting new results.” People naturally prefer to act differently, that is, they do the same things all the time, they come to the same place and get upset and say with regret “and again everything is the same!”

If you look around you will see many people who have an above average number of friends and they can quickly break the rigid atmosphere of meeting unknown people or simply make others allow them more. These are the people I observe every day, I envy them of these powers and I watch them. And such people have a number of common features, and some of them will be below if you apply them and you will become as good as they are.

There is a conception that every knowledge has two spheres. The first relates to what we show outside and that is the sphere of creation of a certain image and the other sphere is our interior that is how we really are. You probably won’t be surprised that there are delicate differences between these spheres, for example, between what we say and what we really think. We dress differently when someone sees us, you wear a khaki dress, sneakers and jacket, and maybe a fashionable sunglasses, but when you’re alone at home you probably wear loose clothes, stretched shirt and you sit in front of your computer. And, it’s all normal. Let’s go further, and let’s ask what is real – what’s outside or what’s inside? The cabaret “Ani mru mru” once said that as they go far and get bored, they play in “Germans in the village” (This is an allusion to the German occupation), and here an alternative proposal is coming and you have to choose, for example, “Germans in the village: Madeleine Albright or Angela Merkel ?” (Other translated: with whom would you prefer to be on a “lonely island”?). And, there is no answer here that both realities are true. Find one and it’s not what comes first. From the point of view of an external observer, only one is true, because he doesn’t know the other, of course, he can guess that what is outside is not true, but it would require a great deal of control and we generally undertake the impressions, i.e., what is true. It does it mean that you like someone and that you want to establish relationships with him when due to your expression he sees something else? But you respect him and you like him and your face is not your fault because you were born with it. But he doesn’t know it.

Good news comes from the above considerations. Firstly, it is enough to do something outside to produce an effect on the other person; secondly, we have ready-made and tested models taken from nature; and thirdly, we do not need do much, because even small changes can produce great results.

If you want to be communicative or relational man, it is enough that you will behave like a person outside. Not only will the outside world believe in your character, but also your own brain so that you will become who you want to be after a certain time!

So, I provide 3 specific technical tips:

Pull out of the mass!

We live in larger communities, in large enclosed settlements and we have learned not to make problems each other. We are getting more and more unfamiliar although we see ourselves everyday and we live in the same new settlement.

The brain has incredible ability to cut unnecessary parts of reality. When you wear tight trousers, you feel it and they pinch you and after a while you stop to remember that you are wearing it. The brain treats other people as universal and distracting stimuli, ignoring their interest.

In such reality, an extremely strong appeal to our humanity will be to break from the role and focus on the humanity of the other person.

On the one hand, it is that we call someone by name, we remember them even in the circle of people, and on the other we need something even deeper, especially in face to face terms.

Through humanity I understand that behind the position or role there is a person who has some care, has feelings and emotions and sometimes cries and sometimes enjoys something. It turns out that when we are interested in the inside of another man we pull him out of the mass and we pull him out of the air, we tell him to break his roles, because he is important to us as a MAN. People who are interested in our concerns, experiences, emotions, physiological states – what is happening to us – are those for whom we are important – they are our friends.

Pulling out of the mass relies on the ability to recognize and feel the emotions of others. We will notice and name the feelings, emotions, physiological states of another man and without asking him we will not say aloud what we see.

We start with the words “I notice” or “I see” and we add a verbal description of the condition of another person,

We refer to what we see now.

I see that you are tired.

I noticed that something bothers you

I see a surprise on your face.

By processing what you see in another person you make you break out of the formal nature of the meeting, you emphasize that not only a deal is important for you, but also a man. You pull him out of the everyday sense of being a mass, show that he is important for you and that you care for him. Only friends act in that way.

Of course, we choose these moods and descriptions that are positive or neutral, or those that may be considered as bad (like sadness or fatigue), but they express concern without striking us.

I bought a scooter in a small one-person company. The owner is passionate about motorization. I preferred to buy from him than on the internet although there were cheaper options because I wanted to have a man who would well serve this machine for me.

At the time of sale he was very helpful, but when I came with registration plates to pick up the vehicle, he made only formalities and it was obvious that something is wrong.

I thought he might be unhappy that I did not buy insurance from him, but I bought it independently, and I wanted to build a relationship with him because I wanted him to come to me in the future if I necessary. I decided to ease the situation so I say: I see that today you have a bad day, you are absent. And he said that it’s not like that and that he is just a day after the holiday and he is overwhelmed. He was on the Thermes with children and now he is at sixes and sevens. And we started talking again. He remembers me until today.

Be a communicator!

You should share your positive feelings or describe your emotional states to be fully readable for the other person. Be a communicator or person with extrovert behavior towards the open expression of your emotions. This principle is discussed in the therapies for couples where they learn to express what they feel and to formulate expectations. This is very important because when you interact with another person, your face begins to guess his/her emotions and intentions. This is our animal instinct in which we want to perceive any threat in advance and decide whether we can trust the other person. Psychologists say that two skills are needed to coordinate a social behavior. The first is the ability to communicate emotions, which is what I am writing about now. The point is that as you can communicate emotions, for example, when you feel helpless, you will be able to call for help. And the other skill is to decipher the feelings of others. The problem is that the human face can often read other things than we would, and in the prospect of contact with a wounded or complex person, she/he will always tend to look for bad intentions. Of course, the neutral expression of the face is more vulnerable to bad intentions and emotions than smile, but it does not change the fact that even the “cynical grimace” can be found even in a clear smile.

When talking to another person, you should find a place to communicate what you feel.

I am so glad that I can finally meet you personally…

I am very pleased that you invited us to your office…

I feel great about our cooperation…

This removes the risk of having a “bad face” and, in addition, when talking about your positive emotions, you give them for people, who listen to you and the principle of gratitude begins. Your partner in the communication understands that your positive emotions appear because of his influence, so he is happy when you communicate your feelings.

In Poland, we are not taught to talk about our emotions, we sometimes prefer not to talk to ourselves three times than to say what we feel. This is a chance for you to stand out.

By the way, the aim of relational techniques is to weaken the image and show weakness. I cannot describe everything, but on this occasion, I will point out that the display of emotions attributed to weak people can also be good for us.

Some time ago I started my adventure with a public kindergarten. I sent there a baby and I was just after the first week of adaptation. There was a meeting and an election to the Parent’s Council. The candidates spoke a few words about themselves. And, for example, Hubert, said: To start with, I would like to say that although I work hard every day, in the perspective of adapting a child to stay in kindergarten, I get stressed and I feel helplessness. You probably know that Hubert stole the hearts of many mums and even my own, what finally led to being the chairman of the Parent’s Council.

You should support value

We live among people who will soon notice and tell us if we do something wrong than praise what we do well. In our lives we have received a lot of criticism and feedback, which often caused you to be here today and achieve what you have. You often read the hidden criticism from the behavior and words of other people. And you know what all this affects? It affects self-esteem.

Willingly or unwillingly, our self-esteem depends to a very large extent on the information that we get from the outside world.

So there is a huge potential to use. You can satisfy the great need hidden in people, you can make them happy and they repay for this happiness with the affection. You can do it by compliment but here we have some barriers to break: people reject the compliments, because they do not believe in them, they give you the interest in saying compliments, the two previous ones make us not willing to say compliments.

It turns out that you just need to take care of the appropriate construction of compliment and we have 3 versions to choose from:

  1. Disclosure of intentions + what I appreciate specifically

Starting with some analysis, you have a focused listener. This is where the compliment comes to mind. Your interlocutor knows why you have said this and he cannot fulfill your intentions. You won’t be seen as a creep, and the compliment will be very credible.

For example, when you know that a customer in his store has invented and set everything himself, then you should say: Mrs Krysia, I go to different points from morning to evening, and when I sometimes enter the shop, I normally get confused. When I come to you, it’s always goes like clockwork. As if all people functioned like you, there wouldn’t be any crisis.

  1. There are different people – you combine both of these qualities

This is also a kind of analysis. We reveal some reflection we have. In the diagram we put two positive features, which according to us usually do not occur together and it is a unique recipient.

For example, there are precise people whose advantage is that they can calmly entrust the most difficult tasks, and on the other hand there are those who are better at creating ideas and I was surprised to find that you combine both of these features.

  1. John said…

Whenever it is hard for you to say something and your “object” knows something else, you can „put something in someone’s mouth”. In this way you will overcome the barrier, both within yourself and within the listener.

For example, Andrzej described you as a brilliant person with a great sense of humor and I must say he didn’t make a mistake.

If you can positively influence another person’s sense of worth, then no doubt he or she will want to stay with you.

I travelled by a car with my 3 year old daughter and said “Nell look.. there is a rainbow!” And she asked: „where is that and where is it?” It is easier to see something as you know how it looks or when you know its definition. There are a lot of techniques of establishing relationships. Now there is a good time to stop. Look around and watch the relational people. You will find that the above descriptions aren’t nasty manipulation or laboratory product, but it’s the reality, which surrounds us. I hope these tips will help you, and the thought itself makes me happy.

This article appeared in the magazine “Nowa Sprzedaż”

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